she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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