just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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