allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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