When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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