First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
