Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
