I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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