I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
