i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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