Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
