I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
