Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
