my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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