I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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