How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
barbara walters just said penis...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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