Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
