it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
