We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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