Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
