OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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