I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
