she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
