So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
