Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
