I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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