I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
