If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I'm really busy with my period
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