Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
