Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
