you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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