My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
