I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I feel like a drive thru vagina
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
