i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
