i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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