I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
