Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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