Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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