my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
