Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
