Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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