Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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