I just pynch a tree in the face
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
