Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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