I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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