Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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