She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
