this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
