Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
