dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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