Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
