my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Drake has all the answers
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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