You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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