so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
