just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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